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Nagin Loses, Must Remain Mayor of New Orleans
NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana -- Mayor Ray Nagin, who hoped his shoot-from-the-hip style would get him booted from office, narrowly won re-election over Lt. Gov. Mitch Landrieu on Saturday, cementing him in place for at least another four years. "C'mon people, I've served my time," Nagin said angrily, upon hearing the result, "It's Mitch's turn!" Accusations of fraud began to appear from the Nagin camp when with 93 percent of precincts reporting, Nagin had 52.9 percent of the vote. "We'll be asking for a recount," Nagin added.

All-Aibo Team a Hit With Iditarod Fans
WILLOW, Alaska - For 34 years, dog teams and mushers have come together in Alaska to race to Nome, in commemoration of a 1925 dogsled relay to get needed serum nearly 700 miles across the frozen territory. This race has tested men, mettle, and mutts to their limits. But this year a new entrant is testing something else -- Energizer batteries. Will they keep going? The fans all answer with a resounding 'Yes!'

H&R Block Sues Self Over Tax Snafu
CHICAGO, Illinois - H&R Block Inc, having publicly admitted that its own state taxes were improperly reported, has announced that it is filing a malpractice suit against itself. "We used ourselves for our tax preparation because we wanted the very best," explained CEO Mark Ernst, "Needless to say, we were extremely disappointed in our performance. And we believe we're entitled to damages."

Exposure Surpasses Cancer as Leading Killer Among Smokers
ROCHESTER, New York - Doctors are reporting dramatically increased numbers of cases of exposure, frostbite, and other weather-related health issues among the smoking population. "Patients tell me that they know it's cold, they know they shouldn't be out in it, but they just have to have a puff," said Dr. Lyle Wallen, clearly exasperated, "Then they wind up here in our wards. We've lost twenty-three of them this week, one had a cigarette butt frozen to his lips when he was admitted. It's just ridiculous."

Quail Tragedy Narrowly Averted Due to Quick-Thinking Lawyer
DALLAS, Texas - The ASPCA Council of Awards has voted unanimously to give their highest honor to 78-year-old Austin attorney Harry Whittington who leaped into the line of fire to defend a quail from an attack by U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney Saturday afternoon. "Dick told me we were going bird-watching," said the stunned-but-stable Whittington, "And that's what we were doing. At least, that's what I was doing. Then Dick pulls out a gun and starts aiming up on one of the poor critters! I did what any animal lover would do, I blocked his shot." Whittington is in intensive care at a Corpus Christi hospital and is expected to make a full recovery.

Atheist Cartoons Fail to Incite Violence
ATLANTA, Georgia - Intending to capitalize on the fervor generated by the 12 Danish cartoons satirizing the prophet Mohammed, a fundamentalist Christian group has published its own set of cartoons lampooning atheism. "We saw what cartoons could do, we saw their holy power," said Nelson Barbour, the group's pastor, "And we wanted a piece of that. We hoped to stir up similarly enthusiastic discussion of atheism. But few American papers are willing to republish our controversial work." The cartoons can be viewed at the group's web site, http://WeAreRight-LiveWithIt.org.

Ethics Concerns Raised Over Cadbury's Human-Rabbit Hybrid
BIRMINGHAM, England - Cadbury-Schweppes scientists announced Friday that they are "past the initial hurdles" of creating hybrid embryos by fusing human cells with rabbit eggs. The company want to use the embryos to produce intelligent rabbits to use in promoting their already popular 'Cadbury Creme Eggs'. "Of course, we're already a few weeks into the Creme Egg season this year," explained one researcher, "These chaps won't start moving product until next season. But that gives us time to clean them up a bit" Although made of rabbit cell material, scientists say the resulting creatures would be controlled by human-like brains.

Millions of Computers Ruined By Microsoft WMF Patch
REDMOND, Washington - Computer owners hungrily downloaded the latest patch to the Windows operating system made available Thursday on Microsoft's web site. Before many of them could be warned, the patch succeeded in erasing the majority of their hard drive, rendering the machines unusable. "I did it to keep my machine working," complained one user, "I just did what they said. And now it won't even shoe in, or whatever it's called."

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